Sep 10, 2004
i realize i havent written in this thing for a tragically long time. i wanted to type this poem somewhere and i thought of my old and long abandoned blog. i dont think people really even read this anymore... i wonder if astral has peaked in here in awhile... well anyways, i like this poem and i wanted to put it in here so here goes. (its hasnt been named but i want to make it into a song)
We're tinned inside this orange and pink glow
With our artificial awakenings, our bags will not show
Where do all the flowers go
When the dogs take a shit and the pesticides flow
Your stomache growls and you laugh some more
Forgetting every time daddy called you a whore
Just wipe your face
And get back in your place
Now the stench of the toilet is you abdomen's core
Filth on the ceiling drifting to the clouds
You're pacing your room, instead wander around
And your carpet is a neusance with its never-paling curls
You can't seem to stop thinking about that one dazzling girl
You stop in your center as your sterio stops
You start spinning like the disc and your peak finally drops
But your bed is your enemy and the sky is your friend
If you were just a bit higher you could smile at the end
But that glittery dust seems to make your day
No matter how many time the say you will pay
Your eyes start to water and you're suddenly aware
That your muscles are twitching and your heart doesn't care
Now the dust on the ceiling falls to the grass
Because now you are higher than any time last
Your bed is a fiend and the sky starts to scream
What would you do with yourself if you had to be clean
You stop taking showers and start cleaning your nails
You peak at the mirror and your face is so pale
Your eyes start to glow and your pupils breathe small
You keep fixing your posture but you'll never be tall
You sit and you stand and your ears start to ring
It's been tragically long, you've forgotten the sting
Your clothes feel so stale and the smoke forms a sail
You hope it will carry your hot pulse away
The feel of your heart beating into your ears
It awakens your brain and sedates all your fears
You can't stand the smell of your fragrant decay
And you're begging this bump 'Please last for the day'
The dust falls from the ceiling and sits on your lungs
You're falling too hard and forgetting the fun
You're lost all attachment, the beauty is gone
The only thing you can stand is that forgotten love song
Cause it reminds you of them and that one special touch
You said you could give it away, but could you lose that much
So on comes the herb that gives much needed sleep
It makes you too lazy and tired to weep
So you dream of it all and forget when you wake
And put back together the heart that could quake
Most of you can guess what that's about and i dont really care. I've changed a lot and i like what i've become. i'm much braver and much more willing for life to come my way. i've found someone i love and i'm happy no matter what happens. so there's my update for now... hope you enjoy. goodnight.
Posted at 12:12 am by irelandsgimp
May 15, 2004
god.. i had one of those moments last night. the kinda where you talk to the walls and you know they aren't listening to you.
i came to the realization that i am alone. so so alone. it feels like i'm dead and buried in my grave. i open my coffin and stand up but i cant get out of the hole. no matter how much i try all i get is dirt under my nails and a bigger, wider hole. then it rains. and i'm cold. it keeps pouring and pouring and i'm drowning in the gaping hole that i cant escape. then i'm screaming. screaming for someone to help me out but my cries are dead and my tears blend into the pool of my grave. so i give up and let the water fall over my head. i lay back in my coffin under the mud and the rain. and die. again and again.
that's how i feel from time to time. and it feels so real. and every moment of my life i'm screaming.. crying and begging for some faceless peace. for someone to just take it all away. to wipe away my tears and put their hand over my wailing mouth and tell me it's ok and that its all not real. no one is here for me.. those who are cant help. so whats the point? and all these christian dudley doright people say that god is always there for you and he is the best person to help you in your time of need. but you know what GOD DOESNT TALK BACK. HE DOESNT SAY ANYTHING. HE'S NOT THERE! if i were to talk to god for the sake of counsel.. i might as well talk to the fucking wall!! os you know what all you christian SHEEP. stop telling me to go to god. cuz he hasnt been helping.
there.. i'm done with that.
i'm scared to sleep anymore. i have nightmares. terrifying nightmares every night. i wake up in a distant time of when i fell asleep, with ice cold beads of sweat all over me and i'm scared, scared and shaking and hiding under my covers from some unknown fear. what terrifies me the most is when i can't remember what i was so scared of. what the nightmare was about. and the ones i do remember keep me awake. people always ask me why i'm so jumpy and you know what.. i have no fucking clue. if i knew why i'd fix it. when someone sneaks up behind me when i'm on the computer i'm as scared as if i were about to die. i didnt used to be like that. it started this summer and now it's insane. i dont knwo what to write anymore so i'm going.
~Lori
Posted at 12:58 pm by irelandsgimp
May 11, 2004
nicotine cravings nicotine craving nicotine craving i'm doing it for you thomas nicotine cravings nicotine cravings nicotine cravings...
Posted at 10:23 pm by irelandsgimp
May 6, 2004
The eyes of one pale
In such distant trails
And lonely, dark shadows
Weeping sweet ale
Hold me in times
Of any dark kind
Stare down my soul
I wish you were mine
There's such clutter in here
Among such luring tears
Among faithful, secluded
And whispering fears
Inside it is pouring
There's no touch to morning
Only pale crows
Tainted and soaring
Smile for me
You can't taste the tea
With acid rain sweetners
The bitter be free
And follow my line
The bright fading kind
Stare down my soul
I wish you were mine
Posted at 10:28 pm by irelandsgimp
Apr 30, 2004
theres so many times that i've been saying that in my head lately. at school i've been seeing friends with sad faces and they wont talk. i dont make them out of personal respect, but i still worry like hell about them. samm is so low down. i called him the other day and talked to him for a couple of hours. he's been so depressed about his life and i just want to go over there and me his comfort in a box (it made sense in my head.) i cant stand being so far away from him. i havent seen him in much over a year and its a major bitch. theres so many things happening in our lives and we cant be there to enjoy or mourn them together. i hate seeing people in pain but i know its a part of growth and rest. i just wish it didnt have to be so much. i wish people could know that they can talk to me if they need to.
well i gtg.. dishes.. grr..
Posted at 08:28 pm by irelandsgimp
Apr 27, 2004
why dont people believe that i'm a peaceful kid just looking for solace?
teresa taylor thomas and i all went to kenmore after school today and had a joyful time despite the situation. i didtn tell my mom where i was going nor did anyone else tell their parents (except maybe thomas). my mom was really pissed and she had the right to be.. i should have at least let her know where i was going and when i'd be home. but i didnt because as usual i couldnt seem to find the motivation. we all walked back to taylor's and his mom told me to call my mother because she didnt know where i was. so i called her and she laid into me. then she talked to taylor's mom and told her not to take me home.. for me to walk home. let me give you a little more information. from taylor's house to mine is about 5 miles. it was at about half past 6 and getting dark out. i would have to walk alone through bothell. a 14 year old girl. what the hell is wrong with my mother?! i dont want to be raped. thats almost happened already in the exact area. (me courtney and chelsea.. if you dont know the story.. ask.) anyways.i refused to walk home in about 90 degree weather with the previous described danger so taylor's mom finally drove me home. the entire time me teresa and taylor are trying to get sharon (his mother) to understand my situation with my mother. shes only heard my mom's side of the story so she thinks that i'm this bad kid who needs all the discipline the world can dish out. she still didnt believe me and pretty much thinks it's a typical child-parent battle. even teresa tried to testify on my behalf. i'm one of the most passive, easy going, accepting, non-judgemental people at our school and yet all the parents think i'm an apathetic wild child. what i've found to make my life easier is being around people and having a good time and making people happy. i really odnt care about school. the only reason i want to pass is to be with all the people i love to be around.. which is everyone i know. i just want my life to stop being horrid and painful. i've had enough. loving someone who doesnt love you back, an insane mother, pissed off dramatic friends, gossip, hypocrisy, confusion.. UTTER UTTER confusion, selfishness, hate, spite, trying yet never succeeding, disappointing father, lonely soul.. its like.. why am i stuck in this place where i cant move and i cant breathe for the sake of breathing and i cant speak to save myself. why can't i feel warmth against anothers soul? maybe this is all teenage confusion but its like.. no one deserves pain, perhaps its required for growth, but no one deserves it just because they're human.
~Lori
Posted at 12:18 am by irelandsgimp
Apr 24, 2004
god.. lately life has been fucking AWESOME. spring break, this weekend.. i dont know what hapeened but its been awesome. i think its the combination of people that creates the quadpod. me teresa taylor and thomas. today we went to Denyn Beach and just hung out for 4 hours. it was fucking awsome.. its like, i cant have a bad time when i'm with those guys.. no matter what happens. we've all agreed that we're going to go to the beach AS MUCH as possible this summer. and i look forward to it.. except i think i'll wear a light but longsleeve shirt next time.. my skin was massively endangered of becoming tanned. i have a sunburn on my arms, cheeks and knee.. just my knee.. i dont get it. but omg.. it was the best time. thomas finally took off his shirt in public and i actually wore a bathing suit.. even though i covered it up. i kissed teresa and then taylor wouldnt kiss her.. lol. thomas went swimming in the freezing cold water and mr happy shrunk for the day. taylor's mr happy wouldnt go to sleep. geez.. whats with the mister happys? anyways..
i'm going skeet shooting with my brother tomarrow. it was supposed to be a surprise but i got it out of my mom. that woman CANNOT keep a secret. we went grocery shopping yesterday and my mom bought a 5 liter boz of wine. i've had 6 glasses since. but hey.. i'm irish.. it taked MUCH MUCH more for me to get drunk.. you guys know that. (a glass of mudslide, a hot of sake and a liter of wine should do it.) god i love red wine.. iwant beer tho.. havent had any since i hung out with my brother's roommates last summer. alright.. i'm gonna go..
Thomas, Teresa, Taylor.. i love you guys!
~Lori
Posted at 10:33 pm by irelandsgimp
Apr 21, 2004
I'm trying to decide what i'm gong to make the cover of my book. i have a few ideas.
1.) a picture of someone's eye all vampiric and dark and then use photoshop to alter the eye color
2.) a flickering flame
3.) an old tombstone (i'll have to have someone in NY get one because the cemetaries over there are beautiful.)
4.) a Celtic cross and use photo shop to have dried blood running down it (black and white so that it's an inuindo.. i dunno.. it made sense in my head..)
5.) just a plain black cover
6.) a bleeding rose (black and white)
7.) a pale hand holding a black rose
i dont know which one.. if anyone wants to help out.. let me know. (btw.. i've gotten 7 chapters done, guys and i'm working on the 8th one.. it's going to be fairly long i think.. at least 20 chapters)
Posted at 03:59 pm by irelandsgimp
its been really stressful lately. i went to the counselor and they didnt do anything. they just told me to go to a family counselor and learn to cope with "a psycho." not much help there. i'm getting really depressed. things are becoming so confusing that i just want to do nothing and wait until they figure themselves out or until it just goes away. like with kevin.. i dont know whats going on in my head about that. and i dont think its even my head i think its my feeling and emotions and i dont like it. how can i live with myself knowing i hurt someone? sometimes i wish i was like a little mouse and i could burrow under things and just stay there until a cat ate me. kevin said i'm one of the strongest people he knows but sometimes i highly doubt that.
i love kevin and i do still have feelings for him but i need to be alone for awhile and straighten things out in my head before i hurt someone even more. i love thomas too and thats what pains me so much. its like.. do i want to think about this, or this. and my conclusion is that i'm just going to not think about either one. i cant just ignore how i feel about thomas and i cant just lie to kevin.. so what the hell do i do? i like staying distant from people. like being a part of their life but not letting them in as much i should. i've come to the conclusion that i'm insane. i do things over and over expecting different results. i always want what i cant have and then when i have it.. i get bored and dont want it. then when i dont have it anymore i want it again. so how do i break the cycle? therapy? seclusion? suicide? funny how suicide always seems like an option to me when it seems so demented and shunned to others.
i realize that in this situation and mostly all of them.. i'm alone. i have no one that would understand. the only one that understands me is my head.. and samm a little. but like.. when it comes down to it.. i am my only friend. and maybe thats my own fault. for shutting people out and never being a part of someone. and never letting them be a part of me.
~Lori
Posted at 02:34 am by irelandsgimp
Apr 18, 2004
i just did the worst thing ever and now i cant stop crying.. i'm sorry..
Posted at 11:30 pm by irelandsgimp
